New friends

New friends forever...Kaya, Maren, Emma and Ava

My 4th little girl

I have to admit when my sister was pregnant I would have bet money she was having a boy. I guess mainly because I have 3 girls and have always wanted a boy so ofcourse my sister would get the boy of the family. No i didnt think this out of jealousy, I would have loved if she had the first boy...we were going to call him Henry which was even better but...when I looked at my little girl Lilly Brooke for the first time at the hospitial - any thoughts of a little Henry had diminished. I couldnt imagine our lives without this adorable little girl! Everyday that passes I thank god for the 4th little princess in our family! Heres a picture of her after a long day at Hershey park-- still smiling!

Kisses for Mama

My little mini me loves hugs , kissy's and cuddling...and I'll glady accept them!

Giving Adriana a litle lift....

My girls are going away tomorrow....

 My girls are going away with their daddy tomorrow until MONDAY! I am not happy. I know, they need to spend time with him alone. I fully understand that but I guess its just a mothers nervousness that I am dealing with inside. Worried since I will not be there something could happen. I have been trying all day to relieve these fears and worries from my brain.  I will probably throw up all weekend. Mike is taking them to Deep Creek which they will LOVE! They will have a great time, he is pretty much attentive and there is another family going but I still wish they werent going  :/  So say a few prayers for my girls safety and a prayer or two for this worried Mama !

I am thankful for.....

My grandmother Mimi!

Me

Here is some randomness about me and my life:

About me: I am short, always late,strong willed,impatiently patient,unorganized,crazy,spontaneous,funny,charming,sleepy,irritating,kind,confident,annoying,caring,loving,romantic,comicial......I love broccil, nickolodeon kid shows- my faves Victorious and Icarly! I am a waitress and a hostess, I love my job! I dont like pets, i proscrastinate- ask my dad, i have been to disney world 28 times, i love the fall-- especially fall clothing! i dont have a/c in my car :( i dont have a goal in life, job wise...but i need one! i believe in LOVE! finally! I believe in independence! I would bathe in crabdip i love it that much, my favorite place for it is Razorbacks! I like to shop eventhough i shouldnt do it so much. My kids are so much like me its scary. Ive found out you realize when you get older who your real friends are and thats ok with me. I probably will not get married for a long long time, if ever again. I like to text! They call me Dexter! My grandmom is 84 and probably the strongest woman i know! I pray she lives forever! i enjoy country music. I like getting song lyrics in texts <3 Ive become a bigs sports fan! GO DUKE basketball! I cannot play poker and i'm not that good at making mixed drinks. Ive been trying to eat healthy and hit the gym everyday. I love to sleep in. My back hurts everyday. every. single. day. I would LOVE to be a hair stylist. I would love to live in California. I would die for my family, especially my children. This is me.

Dandelions

little toes and little flowers...

Dear tooth fairy....

Dear tooth fairy,
   Here is my tooth. Please leave it, i want to keep it but leave me money.

Thanks Kaya age 7

Wayfayers

I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun..you got your hair slicked back and those Wayfayers on baby..........................

Ava in Wonderland

Wandering in the woods in her fancy dress and bow. Ava makes me smile everyday...

So...I'm new at this bloggin' thing but I like to read other peoples blogs so I figured what am I waiting for, create your own. I have alot to say on a normal day to day basis and maybe there are people that just wanna read what I have to say. So for starters let me tell you a little about myself. I'm a newly single mother of 3 girls. I am 30 years old. I was married for 9 yrs and had my first daughter at 19. You can imagine the past 9 yrs of my life have been pretty much the unselfish life of a young mom. I would never trade my girls for anything in the world but maybe change the order in which my life evolved after the age of 18.... When I should have been having a blast being a high school graduate and preparing for college. I was preparing for a baby. No my life at 19 as a ' teen mom' was not the life I anticapated for myself. But like i said....woudnt
trade my life or my girls for anything!

 Quickly after having the baby I married her father which whom I will remain nameless.  I married him honestly because it was the right thing to do.  The right thing in my families eyes, churches eyes...best thing to do was become a family for my daughters sake...even if I was only 20 yrs old I had to marry him. Or did I? 2 more daughters later, alot of stress, no money and a relationship that was slowly diminishing I was in over my head. I found myself consumed with worry, doubt, sadness. I never really seen my friends, never went on dates with my husband. Never felt love from him, Never showed love to him. Realized after my third daughter I had to get out. For years I debated leaving, risking all we had for happiness I wasnt sure existed? Taking a chance...would I hurt my self , him  or our kids? I shouldnt feel this way, i'm wasnt even 30.

Fast forward to last year. I remember waking up one morning thinking to myself i'm not happy. I love my kids and I love being a mom but i hate my life. I wanted to be loved and happy. So i started doing things for me. Spending time wtih friends, doing things for myself and I liked it. Summer of 2010 our marriae ended . When I walked out the door of our home with my 3 daughters in tow, I never looked back.

Things first off, have not been easy. I think this blog is going to help me sort out my real feelings and maybe even help me find myself in the process. So bear with me! There are a few facts I want to set straight. My husband is a great guy. Great father and was a great husband and provider. I just didnt love him , like that. and honeslty he didnt love me like that either. The that i'm referring to is-- romanace, passion, friendship..pure closeness, companionship. We didnt' have that. Ever.

I spent many nights crying and sick. Never regretting my decision but in pain for my children and for him. Its been exactly 8 months and I can honeslty say I am feeling relief and at ease some. Life is a challenge, kids are a challenge and so is a marriage. So here I am ...30 years old. A little late in life some might say but for me, this is only the beginning!